1Mar

reddit:一些笑话

时间: 2017-3-1 分类: 每日一笑 作者: magichp

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语言:   大陆 港澳 台湾

reddit:一些笑话

 


An Israeli doctor says

一个以色列医生说

 

submitted 4 hours ago by AprilFoolsCakeDay

 

“In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.”

在以色列,医疗发达,我们把一个人的肝移植到另一个人身上,过了六个礼拜,这个人就跑去找工作了。

 

The German doctor says: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”

德国医生说“那算什么。在德国我们把一个人的脑子移植到另一个人的头上,过了四个礼拜他就能跑去找工作了。”

 

The Russian doctor says: “Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”

俄国医生说:“先生们,我们把一个人的心脏切了一半,装到另一个人的胸腔里。不出两周,他就跑去找工作了!”

 

The American doctor laughs: “You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.

美国医生大笑说:“还是美国的科学力世界第一。两天前我们找了个没有大脑,没有心脏也没有肝脏的人,把他变成总统。

 

Now, the whole country is looking for work!”

现在全国的人都得去找工作了!”

 


Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument…

普京,川普和默克尔去海边度假

 

submitted 13 hours ago by Brassow

 

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.

大家在海滩上吹嘘着谁的潜艇最好。

 

Putin begins, saying “Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies.”

普京大帝先说了起来:“我们露西亚国的潜艇世界第一!在海里待上几个礼拜,也不需要补给。”

 

Trump laughs, “Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it! They can go for months without needing supplies!”

川皇大笑道:“这算什么!伟大的美利坚海军有着世界上最强的潜艇。我们都知道!他们在海里游上几个月,都不需要浮出来补给!”

 

Merkel opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a large submarine emerging from the water. The hatch opens, and a sailer shouts at them,

默大妈纲要说什么,海边出现一阵动静,一艘潜艇从海里浮了起来,舱盖打开,一名水手行其了举手礼。

 

“Sieg Heil! Wir brauchen Kraftstoff!”

“元首万岁!我们需要燃料!”

 


Mexico’s president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump

墨西哥总统放出话来说,他不会到美国来和川皇开会啦!

 

submitted 20 hours ago by That_Male_Nurse

 

The wall’s not even finished and it kept a Mexican out!

看看,川皇是如此伟大,连隔离墙都还没建起来,墨西哥人就已经不来美国了!

 


In all fairness, Trump can’t release his tax returns

知道川皇为什么没有报税吗?

 

submitted 2 hours ago by babbchuck

 

At least not until Putin sends him his W2s.

因为普京大帝还没给他发工资单!

(在美国,每年员工收到工资单,拿工资单自行报税。)

 


LongA poor little boy writes a letter to Santa

一个可怜的小男孩写信给圣诞老人

 

A little boy from a very, VERY poor family writes a letter to Santa:

一个贫穷家庭的小孩写了一封信给圣诞老人。

 

“Dear Santa, I’m very poor and I don’t have much. My dad passed away last year

and my mom doesn’t spend much time with me as she’s usually very tired after drinking wine.

亲爱的圣诞老人,我很穷,我什么都没有。我爸爸去年死了,我妈妈也不愿意陪伴我,因为她喝醉以后总是一副疲惫的样子。

 

I know that you brought all those rich kids from school plenty of fancy toys last year, but I don’t care for these. However, I wish you could bring me a hat, a scarf and a pair of gloves, so I could go out and play with my friends in the snow. That would be the most beautiful day of my life. With love, Johnny”.

我知道你去年给了那些有钱人家还在上学的孩子很多礼物,但是我不在意,我只想要你给我一顶帽子,一条围巾和一副手套,那样我就可以和朋友们一起去玩雪了。那将是我最好的时光。爱你,琼尼。

 

A post office employee intercepts the letter, reads if, and is moved by the little kid’s story. She decides to go around the office and collect some money to buy little Johnny the gift he’s been dreaming of.

邮局的职员看到了这封信,被小孩子的故事所感动。她决定在邮局举行一场募捐,给小琼尼买他想要得到的礼物。

 

After chasing everyone in the office, she manages to gather $13… $14… $15. After work, she goes to a little shop nearby to buy the hat, scarf and gloves.

在邮局,她募集了15美元。下班以后,她到了附近的商店买帽子,围巾和手套。

 

Unfortunately, she only has enough money for a hat and a scarf. Oh well, that should do just fine. She wraps the gift, attaches a letter with it

可惜她的钱只够买帽子和围巾。不过那已经足够好了。她包裹好礼物,写了一封信。

 

“Dear Johnny, here is the gift you’ve asked me for. Enjoy the company of your friends on this very special day. Your friend, Santa”

亲爱的琼尼,这是你要的那些礼物。好好和朋友们享受圣诞节吧!你的朋友,圣诞老人

 

She then sends it to the kid. She feels great – a little kid’s dream has been achieved thanks to her and her colleagues from the post office.

她把包裹送了出去。她感觉如此美妙——她和她的邮局同事一起满足了小孩子的梦想。

 

One week later, she intercepts another letter from the kid addressed to Santa, and is excited to read about the kid’s wonderful Christmas Day:

一周后,她从琼尼那里收到了另一封写给圣诞老人的信,她迫不及待的打开了信,想要知道小琼尼是如何幸福的度过了圣诞节。

 

“Dear Santa. I received your gift, thank you very much. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go out and play with my friends and had to stay home with my mom (she gets pretty mean after two bottles of wine), because there were only a hat and a scarf in the box (no gloves), and my mom wouldn’t let me go out without a pair of gloves. It’s probably those fuckers from the post office who stole the gloves. Love, Johnny”

亲爱的圣诞老人,我收到了你的礼物,太感谢你了!但是我还是没能和朋友们一起出去玩。我妈妈喝了两瓶酒以后,脾气变得很坏。她不准我出去玩,因为我只收到了帽子和围巾,没有手套。一定是该死的邮局把我的手套给偷走了!爱你的琼尼。

 


LongA man is driving with his wife and a small child when a cop pulls them over.

一个人和他的老婆孩子在路上,被警察拦住了

 

submitted 3 hours ago by Blurrism

 

A man is driving with his wife and a small child. A cop pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the cop says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way.

警察要他做呼气测试。”你是酒后开车!“警察说。这个人生气了,说呼气测试仪一定坏了,并要求给他老婆做测试。他老婆也测出了醉酒。这个人就要求给他的孩子测试。当小孩子也测出醉酒时,警察想了想说:”看来这个测试仪是坏了。“就放了他们走。

 

As they drive off, the man turns to his wife and says, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple of shots of vodka.”

他们开远以后,这个人对他老婆说”我就告诉你,给小孩喝点酒没坏处!“

 


LongIn Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in…

在苏联,一个美国间谍试图潜入

 

George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia’s customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.

乔治基斯为这事训练了20年。他说一股莫斯科味的俄语,熟悉俄国的礼节和传统。他记得莫斯科的每一条街道,也知道所有黑话和暗语。他甚至能用俄文思考。

 

The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.

日子终于来了。他跳伞落到莫斯科城外。黎明到来时,他进入城里,跳进开往市中心的公共汽车。

 

“Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?”, he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.

“同志,去红场的票多少钱?”他用熟练的俄语问售票员。

 

“5 Rubles, Comrade American”, came the reply.

“美国同志,5卢布”对方回答。

 

Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.

基斯很郁闷,这售票员的眼神也太尖了。他跳下车,问一位行人最近的酒吧在哪里。

 

“It’s just around the block, Comrade American.”

“就在路拐角,美国同志。”

 

Keats’ doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka.

基斯心生疑惑,不知道该如何是好。他走进酒吧,要了一杯伏特加。

 

“Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?”, the bartender asked.

“要喝点罗宋汤下酒吗美国同志?”服务生问。

 

Keats threw a fit. “What’s the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?”

基斯发飙了。“你们怎么了?我穿的像俄国人,说地道的俄语,甚至能和你们想到一处去。为啥你们都喊我美国佬?!!”

 

“Well Comrade, it’s because you’re black.”

“同志,可是你是黑人啊!”

 


LongThe pension office demanded my 86 year old grandfather prove his age.

民政局的人要我86岁的祖父证明他已经到了退休年龄。

 

He had no copy of his birth certificate and his driver’s license had long since expired. But, he went to the office and demanded to see his administrator. He took off his hat, showed his white hair and balding head and said, “There, is that proof enough I’m old enough to receive a pension?” The administrator agreed and cut him his check. He proudly returned home to show grandmother and she said, “Great, but you should have taken off your pants and shown him your willy too, you would have got disability benefits.”

他没有出生证明,驾照过期。不过他去了民政局,见了局长,摘下帽子,露出了满头白发,然后问道:“这足够表明我到了领退休金的年龄了吧。”局长答应了,给了支票。他骄傲的回家,给祖母看。祖母看了以后,说:“很好,你应该顺便脱了你的裤子,让他们看看你的JJ,这样说不定他们还会给你残疾人保障金。”

 


LongWorking holiday

假日打工

 

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

丈夫回家,看到妻子正在客厅打包行李。

 

“Where are you going?” he asks.

“去哪啊?”他问。

 

“I’m going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free.”

“拉斯维加斯,你知道吗,我一次口活就能挣200美元。要是白给你做,还不如去挣钱呢!”

 

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

丈夫想了想,上了楼,拿了他的手提箱下来,一并收拾行李。

 

“Where are you going?” the wife asks.

“你去哪?”妻子问。

 

“I’m coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year.”

“我跟你去。我想看看你怎么靠200块钱过一年。”

 


Walks into a barA guy walks into a bar…

一个人走进酒吧。

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.

他要了最好的威士忌。

 

Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.

伙计:两块钱,先生。

 

Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?

顾客:这么便宜!你真好,我要去告诉你的老板。他在哪?

 

Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.

伙计:他在如家,和我老婆在一起。

 

Guy: What’s he doing with your wife?

顾客:他和你老婆在一起干啥?

 

Bartender: The same thing I’m doing with his business.

伙计:他对我老婆怎么样,我就怎么交待他的店。


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magichp

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Comments
已有 8 条评论 新浪微博
  1. z_fire

    话说露西亚国是什么梗?

    3月16日 14:20来自移动端 回复
    • 111111

      日本对毛子的称呼,露西亚。网上著名的“平独镇露大波波”就是黑波兰吊打“独”德国和“露”俄国。

      3月16日 22:201 回复
  2. kumadysk

    倒數第二個沒有看懂

    3月4日 20:26 回复
  3. 123

    黑人那个眼泪笑出来了

    3月4日 01:37 回复
  4. 匿名

    默克尔那个最好笑

    3月2日 13:45来自移动端1 回复
  5. Cupcakewow

    那個黑人的我真的噴了(噴

    3月2日 01:53来自移动端 回复
  6. kuri

    川普被黑的好惨

    3月1日 21:22来自移动端 回复
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