An Israeli doctor says
submitted 4 hours ago by AprilFoolsCakeDay
“In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.”
The German doctor says: “That’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.”
The Russian doctor says: “Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another’s chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.”
The American doctor laughs: “You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!”
Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument…
submitted 13 hours ago by Brassow
The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.
Putin begins, saying “Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies.”
Trump laughs, “Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it! They can go for months without needing supplies!”
Merkel opens her mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a large submarine emerging from the water. The hatch opens, and a sailer shouts at them,
“Sieg Heil! Wir brauchen Kraftstoff!”
Mexico’s president says he will not go to the U.S. for a meeting with Trump
submitted 20 hours ago by That_Male_Nurse
The wall’s not even finished and it kept a Mexican out!
In all fairness, Trump can’t release his tax returns
submitted 2 hours ago by babbchuck
At least not until Putin sends him his W2s.
LongA poor little boy writes a letter to Santa
A little boy from a very, VERY poor family writes a letter to Santa:
“Dear Santa, I’m very poor and I don’t have much. My dad passed away last year
and my mom doesn’t spend much time with me as she’s usually very tired after drinking wine.
I know that you brought all those rich kids from school plenty of fancy toys last year, but I don’t care for these. However, I wish you could bring me a hat, a scarf and a pair of gloves, so I could go out and play with my friends in the snow. That would be the most beautiful day of my life. With love, Johnny”.
A post office employee intercepts the letter, reads if, and is moved by the little kid’s story. She decides to go around the office and collect some money to buy little Johnny the gift he’s been dreaming of.
After chasing everyone in the office, she manages to gather $13… $14… $15. After work, she goes to a little shop nearby to buy the hat, scarf and gloves.
Unfortunately, she only has enough money for a hat and a scarf. Oh well, that should do just fine. She wraps the gift, attaches a letter with it
“Dear Johnny, here is the gift you’ve asked me for. Enjoy the company of your friends on this very special day. Your friend, Santa”
She then sends it to the kid. She feels great – a little kid’s dream has been achieved thanks to her and her colleagues from the post office.
One week later, she intercepts another letter from the kid addressed to Santa, and is excited to read about the kid’s wonderful Christmas Day:
“Dear Santa. I received your gift, thank you very much. Unfortunately, I couldn’t go out and play with my friends and had to stay home with my mom (she gets pretty mean after two bottles of wine), because there were only a hat and a scarf in the box (no gloves), and my mom wouldn’t let me go out without a pair of gloves. It’s probably those fuckers from the post office who stole the gloves. Love, Johnny”
LongA man is driving with his wife and a small child when a cop pulls them over.
submitted 3 hours ago by Blurrism
A man is driving with his wife and a small child. A cop pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the cop says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, “Yes, perhaps it is broken,” and sends them on their way.
As they drive off, the man turns to his wife and says, “See, I told you it wouldn’t hurt to give the kid a couple of shots of vodka.”
LongIn Soviet Russia, an American spy tries to blend in…
George Keats had trained 20 years for this moment. He had mastered the Russian language in its native accent. He learned all of Russia’s customs and social graces. He memorized Moscow streetmaps and knew every back-alley there was. He swore that he could even think like a Russian.
The big day finally came, and he was parachuted to the outskirts of Moscow at night. He emerged by daybreak, and hopped onto a bus going to the city center.
“Comrade. How much for a ticket to Red square?”, he asked the conductor in authentic Russian.
“5 Rubles, Comrade American”, came the reply.
Keats was stunned. Perhaps the conductor was just being a smart-ass. He hopped off the bus and asked a passerby for directions to the closest bar.
“It’s just around the block, Comrade American.”
Keats’ doubts grew immensely. Not knowing what to do, he went inside the bar and ordered a glass of Vodka.
“Want some Borscht to go with it, Comrade American?”, the bartender asked.
Keats threw a fit. “What’s the matter with you people? I dress just like you, I speak just like you, I even THINK just like you! Why does everyone keep calling me American?”
“Well Comrade, it’s because you’re black.”
LongThe pension office demanded my 86 year old grandfather prove his age.
He had no copy of his birth certificate and his driver’s license had long since expired. But, he went to the office and demanded to see his administrator. He took off his hat, showed his white hair and balding head and said, “There, is that proof enough I’m old enough to receive a pension?” The administrator agreed and cut him his check. He proudly returned home to show grandmother and she said, “Great, but you should have taken off your pants and shown him your willy too, you would have got disability benefits.”
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“I’m going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free.”
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
“Where are you going?” the wife asks.
“I’m coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year.”
Walks into a barA guy walks into a bar…
A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What’s he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I’m doing with his business.