20Feb

Reddit:糟糕的约会经历(二)

时间: 2017-2-20 分类: 奇葩事迹 作者: Enterprise

TAGS: , ,

语言:   大陆 港澳 台湾

引用元:https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/xd222/i_date_online_i_went_to_a_girls_house_for_the/


 

Reddit:糟糕的约会经历(二)

 

Reddit:糟糕的约会经历(二)

 

[–]color_thine_fate I once went on a first date with a chick, and ended up having dinner with her mom and autistic brother, after helping her mom move crap around their house. And I was asked by her mom to spend the night, at which point I was expected to have relations with the daughter.

有次我和一个妹子在出去约会,最后却和她妈妈和自闭症弟弟吃晚饭。之后帮她妈把垃圾丢出去。最后我被她妈留下过夜,这个时候我已经被当作在和这个女生交往了。

 

EDIT: Okay, here goes. So I met this chick online. My car was having trouble, so this particular night, she was my ride. She picked me up and we went to a mall. She seemed really cool, and we were hitting things off. Went to the Sbarro’s at the foodcourt, and got a bit of lunch. We’re sitting there eating, and all of a sudden, she says (completely out of the blue), “My ex beat me.” I was in mid-bite. So I had that little moment where I stop chewing for a moment, and then start chewing again really slowly because I have committed to the bite.

编辑:好吧。我在网上约到这个妹子。我的车坏了,所以那晚是她接我的。她把我带去商场。她看起来可以,我们之间处的也不错。去小吃街的斯巴罗披萨店吃的午餐。就在我们正吃的时候,她突然说

[我前男友打了我。]

那时我还在嚼东西,我听了一下然后又开始慢慢咀嚼,因为我打算先把它吞下去。

 

“I’m.. sorry, that sucks.”

[我…很抱歉,这太糟糕了。]

 

“Yeah, we just broke up a week ago.”

[是啊,我们一星期前分手了。]

 

Goddammit. So I’m a rebound. Great. I did feel bad for her though. But then she talked.. and talked.. and talked, about nothing but her relationship with him. I’m thinking, this is a really shitty date. She tells a story about how she told him she was going on a date with me, and he grabbed her arm and yelled at her. I’m already thinking “What the hell have I gotten myself into?”

该死,看来我是就是用来填补她内心空虚的。(这里指的意思是这个女的在和她男朋友分手后想找个人来填补缺失的感情,rebound 或是 rebound guy很多都会译成备胎,但个人觉得直接翻成备胎很怪,所以就这么翻了)我的确为她的经历感到难过。但是她之后就不停不停的说。都是关于和他之间的。我想,这个约会真糟糕。她告诉我她跟前任说要和我出去约会时,她前任抓住她的手臂对她大喊大叫。那时我在想,“我tm到底卷到什么里面了。”

 

So I’m already kind of wanting out, but she was my ride. So we see this movie, and then she wants to walk around the mall. “Hey, let’s go into Hot Topic. I LOVE this store.” Sigh. While we’re in there, she just lunges at me and kisses me. Okay, getting really weird now.

我已经有点想走了,但是她开车。我们之后去看了电影然后在商业街里逛。“我们去hot topic吧(一家专门卖各种音乐、电影周边的衣服的店),我爱死那家店了。”唉,就在我们到了里面时,她突然扑向我然后亲了我。好吧,真的是越来越奇怪了。

 

After the mall, I’m like, “Okay, well I had a really good time!”

出商业街后我说

[玩的真愉快。]

 

“Me too! You’re so great. I can’t wait for my family to meet you.” I’m thinking, okay, I can get into why that’s not going to happen a bit later, once I’m safe and away from the crazy woman, but for now, I’ll smile and nod. Then she gets on a highway I never get on.

[我也这么觉得。我等不及带你去见我的家人了。]

好吧,我觉得至少这应该不会是现在,一旦我和这个疯女人分开了我就安全了。我微笑并点头。然后她开上了一条没见过的路。

 

“Where are we going?”

[我们这是要去哪?]

 

“To my house, duh!” Apparently, she meant “I can’t wait until you meet my family right fucking now.”

[去我家。]

明显她是指她现在就要把我带去见她的家人。

 

At this point, I almost want to call a friend for a ride, but my friends would just love the fact that I’m in this situation, and let me rot anyway, so I stick it out. I figure, okay, a couple hours and she’ll take me home.

那个时候我几乎想叫我的朋友来接我,但他们肯定会觉得喜闻乐见,然后看看会发生什么,所以我就只得顺应现状。我想大概会花上个把小时然后就会带我回去。

 

Nope.

然而并不。

 

We get to her house, and immediately, her mom asks me to help move a pile of 6 or 7 heavy boxes out to the shed in the back yard. I’m too polite to say no (though I wish I wasn’t, in this situation) so I do it.

我们到了她家,马上她妈妈就叫我搬六七个很重的箱子到后院的荫蔽处。出于礼貌,我无法拒绝(真希望我没遇到这种情况),就照办了。

 

I come back in, covered in sweat (it was August), muscles aching, and she says “Thanks sweetheart.” The girl’s brother walks into the room and she introduces me.

结束回来后满身大汗(那时是八月),浑身酸痛,她说

[谢谢你,亲爱的]

然后那个女孩的弟弟走了进来,她便向我介绍

 

“Hey, this is my brother, ‘Terrance’. He’s really autistic, so don’t pay any attention to him.”

[这是我弟弟,泰伦斯。他有严重的自闭症,别在意他。]

 

“What do you mean ‘don’t pay any attention to him’?!”

[什么叫别在意他?]

 

Well everything he says is weird, so you just take it with a grain of salt.

[他说的东西都很怪,反正你别信就行。]

 

I really felt bad for the kid. He was interesting. Showed me his pet lizard and pet tarantula (I hate spiders, but I figured I would humor him, because if his sister is always like that, it would help to act interested). He changed subjects all over the place and was really hard for me to follow, but he eventually left to go do something else.

真为那个孩子感到悲伤。他很有意思,给我看他的宠物蜥蜴和狼蛛。(我讨厌蜘蛛,但我还是迁就着他,因为如果他姐姐总是这么对他的话,这样做的话会让我看起来有趣)。他不停地改变话题使我难以跟上,但是最后他离开去做其他事去了。

 

So about an hour passes of me watching TV with the girl, and then she says, “So are you ready to go eat?” Dammit! I WANT TO GO HOME. But going out one more time will put us in a vehicle, so I’ll get home.

和那个女孩看了一小时电视,之后她说:“准备好出发去吃晚饭了吗?”该死!我想回家。$ o1但考虑到出去吃饭会要开车,这样我也就可以回家了。

We get ready to leave for Chili’s, and her mom walks into the living room with her purse. “So where we going??”

我们准备去红辣椒烤肉餐厅,同时她妈妈走到客厅拿上钱包说

[我们打算去哪?]

 

I laughed. Seriously, I thought she was joking, because what mom would just invite herself to dinner on her 23 year old daughter’s first date with a guy? She looked at me weird, and then back to her daughter.

我笑了。真的,我觉得她是在开玩笑,哪有哪个妈妈会跟着去23岁的女儿的第一次约会的?她看到我觉得奇怪便转向她的女儿。

 

“Chili’s. Is Terrance ready?”

[红辣椒烤肉餐厅。泰伦斯好了吗?]

 

WHAT SO YOU FUCKING KNEW?! I’m smiling, but in my head, I’m thinking, “WHY THE FUCK IS THIS NORMAL TO ALL OF YOU!?”

你TM懂什么?!脸上挂着笑容,但脑子里想,为毛你们都觉得这很正常。

 

So we go to Chili’s, and I feel like I’m the big brother in the family. Constant bickering between the brother and sister, her egging him on, making fun of him for being autistic, and the mom only jumping in when they started kicking each other under the table.

所以之后我们去了烤肉店,我觉得我就像这个家里的大哥,和弟妹之间不听斗嘴,她逗他,用他的自闭症取笑他,而妈妈只是在两人开始在桌子底踢来踢去时才出来阻止。

 

After about an hour, we leave. Get back to their house, and it’s about 10pm. I figured we were dropping off the mom and brother, so she could take me home. “So, you about to take me home?”

大概一个小时之后,我们离开了。回到了她们的家,那时差不多十点了。我觉得她会放下妈妈和弟弟,然后把我送回家。

[接下来你把我送回家?]

The mom jumps in. “No, she’s not allowed to drive after dark. You’ll have to spend the night. It’s okay, though. Her bed’s a queen, and I don’t care what you guys do in there. I’m not the smothering type hahahaha.”

妈妈跳出来说

[她不能在天黑之后开车,你必须在这过夜。她的床够大,而且我不会管你们干什么。我又不是那种很严厉的性格,哈哈哈哈。]

(我觉得可能会有人问为什么明明都已经是十点了,不是已经在天黑的时候开车了吗?我曾经去过欧洲,那个时候也是夏季,最令我感到惊讶的就是那里天黑一般是在十点以后,像国内的话一般是八点左右吧。所以他们刚到的时候已经天黑了)

LYING BITCH. YOU HAVE BEEN PART OF HALF OF THIS DATE! That’s what I was thinking.

满嘴谎话的老太婆,你已经把这约会当成你自己的了!我当时就这么想。

I was ready to call a friend because I was seriously about to panic. Not that I feared for my safety, but I was just a 12 on a scale of 1-10 of uncomfortability. I pull out my phone, it’s dead. Holyballs my phone is dead. Why is it dead? OH YEAH, I’VE BEEN ON A TEN HOUR DATE.

我已经准备打电话叫朋友来接我,因为我真的要慌起来了。并不是担心我的人身安全,但我现在极度的不舒服。我拿出我的手机,它没有反应。亲娘啊,我的手机打不开,为什么会打不开?哦,没错,我已经约会十个小时了。

So I have to just… deal with this. We go back into her room, and watch TV. She keeps putting moves on me, moves that were honestly incredibly hard to resist. I end up pretending to fall asleep, and she falls asleep.

所以我必须想办法解决。我们去了她的房间看电视。她一直不断挑逗我。说真的,这真的很难忍,所以我就假装睡着了,之后她也睡了。

(你真的不是ed吗)

I turn the TV on and watch Comedy Central until the infomercials start, and then I get up. It’s way too uncomfortable for me to sleep in this situation. So I go into the living room, and no one’s there. I start digging through their drawers and shit, looking for a charger that fit. There’s only a USB one, so I had to turn on their computer to charge my phone.

之后我把电视打开看喜剧中心频道(Comedy Central,一个电视频道相信看过南方公园,黑人兄弟和囧司徒的都不会陌生)。广告开始后我就起床了。对我来说在那种情况下睡觉实在太不舒服了。我起身去客厅,那里没有人。我开始翻他们的抽屉之类的去找合适的充电器。但只找到一根USB线,所以我只能打开电脑给我的手机充电。

I call a friend (it’s about 3AM at this point, so no one’s going to pick me up, but I just needed to rant) and talk to her for a couple of hours about my night.

我打电话给我的朋友(那时大概三点,所以没有人会来接我,但我只是想把这些大声喊出来)然后和她讲了几小时关于这个夜晚。

At about 5AM, the girl comes out of her room and is like “Baby, is everything okay?”

大概五点的时候,那个女孩从她房间里出来说

[宝贝,还好吗]

“YEP!”

[嗯!]

“You coming to bed?”

[回床上来吗?]

“Not for awhile! Thank you though!!”

[再等会! 谢谢!]

I eventually fall asleep on the couch a bit later.

一会后我在沙发上睡着了。

The next morning, she wants to watch like 3 hours of the Disney Channel, and is finally willing to take me home at 1PM. I say no words the entire way home. I wanted to just go off on her, but I sensed a lot of crazy in that family, so this was one of those situations where I found it okay to just never answer the phone calls or texts again.

第二天早上她想看迪士尼频道,最后终于愿意在下午一点把我带回去。整条路上我什么都没说。我只是想赶紧离她远远的,但我觉得她的家庭太疯狂了,所以我觉得在这种情况就算下不回复她的电话和短信也是没有问题的。

 

She ends up convincing a friend to contact me on the dating site, but not to tell me she knew her. After we finally swapped numbers, she calls me and I hear the chick in the background “NOW ASK HIM WHY HE WON’T TALK TO ME!”

她最后说服了一个朋友在约会网站上联系我,但没有告诉我她认识她。之后我们交换号码,她打给我然后我听到那个妹子在背后说

[现在问他为什么不接我电话!]

I hung up, deleted my profile on that site, and took a bath in battery acid.

我挂掉了电话,删掉了网站上的资料,洗了好几遍澡。

NEVER.

再也

AGAIN.

不要了。

 

[–]mach_kernel

This guy is a fucking trooper though, he resisted the sexy times with a crazy girl. He deserves a medal. Good job.

>这个家伙的意志真TM坚定,他在和一个疯女孩的爱爱的时间里忍住了。他应当得到一个奖牌。GJ

 

[–]QuickestHipster

And crazy girls make for awesome sexy times… but with oh so terrible consequences…

>疯女孩总是在爱爱的时间里表现的非常棒,但会有些结果会很糟糕。

 

[–]IKillCharacterLimits

“Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed”

>>脑袋疯的床上也会很疯。

 

[–]RoninUnderground

Not all “crazy in the bed” is good, trust me.

>>>不是所有在床上疯的都是好的,相信我。

(请说出你的故事)

 

[–]Dracomister7

When you looked for a charger, I expected the mom to be dressed in lingerie and have you have sex with her on top of the autistic son. Is that weird? No, no I didn’t think so.

当你在找充电器的时候,我以为妈妈会只穿着内衣出现然后和你在她那自闭症儿子边上啪啪啪。这很奇怪吗?我不这么觉得。

(这个本子剧情吼啊)

[–]donkeygong

I now wanted this to happen too.

>我现在也想看到这个发生了。

 

[–]BroCop

Welp, you just mad a horror story more horrible.

>额,你让这个故事变得更恐怖了。

 

[–][deleted]

We can go deeper!

For instance, let’s say the chick had a tarantula fetish and wanted to sleep with that monster in the room.

>我们可以脑袋再开大点!

同时,那个女孩有恋蛛癖并且想和那个怪物一起睡。

 

 


下篇,关于我约炮遇到抖M病娇的二三事。话说今年WF有好多手办想买啊,感觉钱包要被掏空了。


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Comments
已有 6 条评论 新浪微博
  1. 回想一下 那几个被男主搬出去的箱子里是什么

    2月22日 14:28来自移动端5 回复
  2. Peanutmilk

    他应当得到一个奖牌

    2月21日 11:07来自iPhone1 回复
  3. ppp

    翻译辛苦了,这样的家庭的确让人吃不消

    2月21日 09:46来自移动端1 回复
  4. Devilsarms

    下集预告好吸引人啊www

    2月21日 07:05来自iPhone1 回复
  5. Cupcakewow

    我感覺這個家庭肯定有甚麼驚天秘密(茶
    不過老實說,就以描述來看,可能只是個不太完整的家庭,兩個孩子都沒有在青春期獲得適當的處理,又是個社會隱患(茶
    然後我想說,下篇病嬌真是極好的!

    2月21日 01:49来自移动端3 回复
  6. 匿名

    翻译辛苦了

    2月20日 21:53来自Windows Phone1 回复
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