欧美笑话N则

 

A Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers

submitted 9 hours ago by thebigt42

一个爱尔兰人走进了酒吧，要了三杯啤酒

 

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.

服务生给他倒了三杯啤酒，他按顺序，在第一杯啤酒里抿了一口，然后是第二杯，然后是第三杯，直到喝完。

 

The next week He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

过了一周，他又要了三杯啤酒。服务生说“先生，我知道你喜欢喝冰镇啤酒，你可以先喝一杯，如果你还想要，我可以再给你倒一杯新鲜的。”

 

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the America. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we’re drinking together.”

这个人说道，“你不懂。我有两个兄弟，一个在澳洲，一个去了美国。我们发了誓，每周六晚上，我们还要一起喝酒。所以现在我的兄弟们也在喝三杯啤酒，好像我们在一起喝。”

 

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry you’ve lost a brother.”

服务生觉得这太了不起了。所以他每周都给这哥们准备三杯啤酒。有一天，他来了，却只要了两杯。他喝了下去，又要了两杯。服务生伤心的说“我知道你的故事，我很抱歉，你兄弟死了。”

 

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”

这哥们回话说“我兄弟没事，我只是戒了酒而已。”

 

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In Soviet Russia, people are waiting in line for meat.

submitted 10 hours ago * by vader1941

在苏联，大家排队买肉

 

The butcher pokes his head out and says, “Comrades, the truck will be here shortly, please be patient.”

屠夫从窗口探出头来，喊道：“同志们，送肉的卡车要来了，不要着急！”

 

An hour later, “Comrades, the truck broke down and had to unload some meat. All Jews are requested to leave.”

一个小时以后，“同志们，卡车坏了，只能卸掉一些肉。犹太人，离开队列！”

 

The Jews grudgingly leave the line.

犹太人不高兴的走了。

 

Another hour later, “Comrades, the truck broke down again. All Ukranians have to leave.”

又过了一个小时，“同志们，车又坏了，乌克兰人出列！”

 

Another two hours later, “Comrades, the truck broke down again. Non-Russians please leave.”

又过了一个小时，“同志们，车又坏了，不是俄罗斯人的都出列！”

 

Another five hours later, “Comrades, the truck broke down again. All non-party members have to leave.”

又过了五个小时，“同志们，车又坏了，不是党员的都出列！”

 

It’s now past midnight, in the freezing Russian winter. The few party members still left in line are greeted by the butcher, “Sorry Comrades. The truck won’t be coming today. Please go home.”

到了半夜，在冰冷的冬天，排队的人中只有几个党员。这时候屠夫出来了，“同志们，卡车今天来不了啦，回家吧。”

 

One of them turns to the other and says, “Damn Jews. They always get the best deals.”

一个党员对另一个党员说道：“该死的犹太人，一做生意，他们总能拿到最好的结果。”

 

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Bob and the blonde

submitted 10 hours ago * by ender278

鲍勃和金发美女

 

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

差两分钟十点的时候，鲍勃走进了酒吧。他坐在了一个金发女郎旁边，看起了电视。

 

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

10点新闻开始了播放。新闻报道了一个人在大厦楼顶，准备跳楼的事件。

 

The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”

金发女郎问鲍勃“你觉得他会跳楼吗？”

 

Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”

鲍勃说“我赌他肯定会。”

 

The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”

金发女郎说“我赌他不会。”

 

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”

鲍勃说“那就赌一把！”在吧台上放了20美元。

 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

金发女郎刚在吧台上下了注，大厦顶端的那个人就跳了下去，当场死亡。

 

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”

金发女郎很不高兴，但是还是把钱给了鲍勃。“愿赌服输，这钱归你了。”

 

Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump.”

鲍勃回话说“我不能拿。我在5点的新闻里看到了这事，所以我知道他会跳。

”

 

The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

金发女郎说“我也看到了，我还以为他不会再跳了呢！”

 

Bob took the money.

鲍勃把钱揣进了腰包。

 

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I failed my AP Biology test…

submitted 6 hours ago by xdxtyx

我的高中生物考试挂了

 

They asked; “what is something commonly found in cells?”

他们问我：在细胞（cell）里面最常见的物质是什么？

 

Apparently black people wasn’t the correct answer

看起来黑人不是正确答案（cell也做监狱房间用。）

 

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead

submitted an hour ago * by ericastef

金发女郎，棕发女郎和红发女郎

 

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are having coffee, discussing their daughters.

下一个金发女郎，一个棕发女郎和一个红发女郎在一起喝咖啡，聊到她们的女儿。

 

The redhead says, “I was putting away my daughter’s laundry and found a pack of cigarettes in her dresser drawer! I didn’t know my daughter smoked!”

红发女郎说道“我在给我女儿收拾干净衣服的时候，在她的衣柜里发现了一包烟！我都不知道她居然抽烟！”

 

The brunette says, “Well, I was cleaning my daughter’s room and found a bag of weed! I didn’t know my daughter does drugs!”

棕发女郎说道“我在给我女儿打扫房间的时候还找到了包大麻呢！我都不知道她嗑药！”

 

The blonde says, “OMG! That’s nothing! I went into my daughter’s night stand and found a box of condoms! I didn’t know my daughter has a dick.”

金发女郎说：“天哪，那算什么！我在我女儿的内衣柜里找到了包套套。我都不知道她居然长出来了一个JJ！”

 

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George, 88 years old, goes to his doctor for a check-up.

submitted 5 hours ago * by ar2om

88岁的老乔治去看医生

 

-How are you doing George ?

乔治，你怎么样？

 

-Very well Doctor, God is watching over me

很好，医生！上帝在看着我。

 

-Really, how so?

真的吗？说来听听？

 

-Yes indeed. Last night I had to wake up to go the bathroom and when I opened the door, the light turned on by itself. God is watching over me. And when I went back to bed, when I closed the door, the light just turned off. God is watching over me.

好啊！昨天晚上我去上厕所，我一开门，灯就亮了。上帝在看着我！我撒完尿，准备回到床上，刚关厕所门，灯就灭了。上帝在看着我！

 

After the appointment, the Doctor a bit curious called George’s wife to check on this story.

检查结束以后，医生有点好奇，就去问老乔治的太太。

 

-Hi, George visited me today and told me that God was watching on him and that last night when he went to the bathroom, God turned the light on and off for him. Is that the whole story ?

老乔治今天来我这里，对我说上帝在看着他。昨天晚上他去上厕所的时候，上帝给他开灯关灯。这是真的吗？

 

-Oh noooooooo. Don’t tell me he peed in the fridge again!

哦不！老头又尿在冰箱里了！

 

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Two dogs are sitting next to each other in a veterinarian’s office…

submitted an hour ago by Frizzmaster

两条狗坐在宠物医院里面

 

One of the dogs looks at the other. “So, what are you here for?”

一条狗问另一条狗：“你在这里干啥？”

 

The other dog looks back. “Well, I guess I have nothing left to lose. I…Well, two days ago, I relieved myself in my master’s shoes. When he punished me for it, I chewed his favorite bathrobe to shreds. And….well…now, here I am, waiting to be put down.” The dog falls silent for a moment. “I…I guess I deserve it. I did do a lot of damage.”

那条狗回过头来，说道“唉，我看我是自作自受。我两天前在主人的鞋子里面拉了屎，他为此揍我的时候，我把他最喜欢的浴袍撕成了碎片。唉，现在我在等他们给我安乐死。”他沉默了一会。“我看我是真的罪有应得，我破坏了太多东西……”

 

The first dog looks at the second. “Really? They’re putting you down for that? I’m here to get put down because I bit my master’s child. I was nice and relaxed, enjoying my rawhide chew, when this little brat came up and grabbed it away. So, like any self-respecting dog, I nipped her. Next thing I know, she’s screaming, her mother is crying, and my master is beating me with a belt. Now, here I am, waiting to be put down.”

第一条狗看着他，说道“真的吗？他们就为这事要给你安乐死？我咬了我的主人的孩子。我正趴着享受我的骨头的时候，那个小坏蛋把它给抢走了。我是条有自尊心的狗，所以我咬了她。她开始大吼大叫，她妈妈哭了，我的主人用他的皮带抽我。好吧，我现在在等着他们给我安乐死。”

 

The two dogs sit together in companionable silence, until a third dog is led in. He sits beside the other two, straight-backed and stoic.

两条狗坐在一起沉默不语，空气中充满了同情。这时候第三条狗进来了，他坐在这两条狗旁边。

 

The first dog looks at him. “So, what did you do?”

第一条狗问他，“你做了什么？”

 

The third dog looks back. “Well…I’m ashamed to say it, but….My master had just gotten out of the shower. She had her towel around her, but it got snagged on the toilet paper holder, and fell off. She turned around, bent over to pick it up….and I couldn’t help myself. I mounted her and took her like an animal.”

第三条狗说“唉，我都不好意思说。我的主人刚洗了澡，裹着浴巾，但是浴巾挂在饿了厕纸架上，掉了下来。她转过身去，弯下腰捡浴巾。我忍不住了，爬到了她身上去……”

 

The first two dogs looked at each other, then back at the third dog. “Wow…” the first dog said. “Out of all of us here to be put down…I think you deserve it the most.”

前两条狗面面相觑，然后回头看着第三条狗：“伙计，我们几个都是来安乐死的，不过我觉得你做的最过头。”

 

The third dog looked back at the other two, shocked. “Put down?!” he exclaimed. “I’m just here for a nail trimming!”

第三条狗看着前两条狗：“安乐死？！”他大叫道，“我只是来剪指甲的！”

 

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A brunette, redhead and blonde

submitted 2 hours ago by tomascamus

棕发女郎，红发女郎和金发女郎

 

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After an excellent, but healthy, lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room. They found a strange looking woman sitting at the entrance who said: “Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature. It’s a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, awards you with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!”

棕发女郎，红发女郎和金发女郎去做健身SPA。午饭后，三人都要去洗手间。洗手间门口坐着一个奇怪的女人。这个女人说道“欢迎来这里。试试我们新装的镜子。如果你对着镜子说实话，你会实现一个梦想。但是我要警告你们，如果你们说任何假话，你们就会被吸进镜子里面，永不能逃出！”

 

The three women quickly entered. Upon finding the mirror, the brunette said: “I think I’m the most beautiful of us three” and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.

三个女人走了进去，找到了镜子。棕发女郎说道“我想，我是我们三个里面最漂亮的”她马上得到了一大笔钱。

 

The redhead stepped up and said: “I think I’m the most talented of us three” and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.

红发女郎对着镜子说“我想，我是我们三个里面最聪明的。”她手里马上出现了一辆新车的钥匙。

 

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said: “I think…” and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

金发女郎见此，高兴的对着镜子说“我想……”然后就被镜子吸了进去。

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