A Irishman walks into a bar and orders three beers
submitted 9 hours ago by thebigt42
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.
The next week He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the America. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry you’ve lost a brother.”
The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”
In Soviet Russia, people are waiting in line for meat.
submitted 10 hours ago * by vader1941
The butcher pokes his head out and says, “Comrades, the truck will be here shortly, please be patient.”
An hour later, “Comrades, the truck broke down and had to unload some meat. All Jews are requested to leave.”
The Jews grudgingly leave the line.
Another hour later, “Comrades, the truck broke down again. All Ukranians have to leave.”
Another two hours later, “Comrades, the truck broke down again. Non-Russians please leave.”
Another five hours later, “Comrades, the truck broke down again. All non-party members have to leave.”
It’s now past midnight, in the freezing Russian winter. The few party members still left in line are greeted by the butcher, “Sorry Comrades. The truck won’t be coming today. Please go home.”
One of them turns to the other and says, “Damn Jews. They always get the best deals.”
Bob and the blonde
submitted 10 hours ago * by ender278
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Bob said, “You know, I bet he’ll jump.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Bob replied, “I can’t take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump.”
The blonde replied, “I did, too, but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Bob took the money.
I failed my AP Biology test…
submitted 6 hours ago by xdxtyx
They asked; “what is something commonly found in cells?”
Apparently black people wasn’t the correct answer
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead
submitted an hour ago * by ericastef
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are having coffee, discussing their daughters.
The redhead says, “I was putting away my daughter’s laundry and found a pack of cigarettes in her dresser drawer! I didn’t know my daughter smoked!”
The brunette says, “Well, I was cleaning my daughter’s room and found a bag of weed! I didn’t know my daughter does drugs!”
The blonde says, “OMG! That’s nothing! I went into my daughter’s night stand and found a box of condoms! I didn’t know my daughter has a dick.”
George, 88 years old, goes to his doctor for a check-up.
submitted 5 hours ago * by ar2om
-How are you doing George ?
-Very well Doctor, God is watching over me
-Really, how so?
-Yes indeed. Last night I had to wake up to go the bathroom and when I opened the door, the light turned on by itself. God is watching over me. And when I went back to bed, when I closed the door, the light just turned off. God is watching over me.
After the appointment, the Doctor a bit curious called George’s wife to check on this story.
-Hi, George visited me today and told me that God was watching on him and that last night when he went to the bathroom, God turned the light on and off for him. Is that the whole story ?
-Oh noooooooo. Don’t tell me he peed in the fridge again!
Two dogs are sitting next to each other in a veterinarian’s office…
submitted an hour ago by Frizzmaster
One of the dogs looks at the other. “So, what are you here for?”
The other dog looks back. “Well, I guess I have nothing left to lose. I…Well, two days ago, I relieved myself in my master’s shoes. When he punished me for it, I chewed his favorite bathrobe to shreds. And….well…now, here I am, waiting to be put down.” The dog falls silent for a moment. “I…I guess I deserve it. I did do a lot of damage.”
The first dog looks at the second. “Really? They’re putting you down for that? I’m here to get put down because I bit my master’s child. I was nice and relaxed, enjoying my rawhide chew, when this little brat came up and grabbed it away. So, like any self-respecting dog, I nipped her. Next thing I know, she’s screaming, her mother is crying, and my master is beating me with a belt. Now, here I am, waiting to be put down.”
The two dogs sit together in companionable silence, until a third dog is led in. He sits beside the other two, straight-backed and stoic.
The first dog looks at him. “So, what did you do?”
The third dog looks back. “Well…I’m ashamed to say it, but….My master had just gotten out of the shower. She had her towel around her, but it got snagged on the toilet paper holder, and fell off. She turned around, bent over to pick it up….and I couldn’t help myself. I mounted her and took her like an animal.”
The first two dogs looked at each other, then back at the third dog. “Wow…” the first dog said. “Out of all of us here to be put down…I think you deserve it the most.”
The third dog looked back at the other two, shocked. “Put down?!” he exclaimed. “I’m just here for a nail trimming!”
A brunette, redhead and blonde
submitted 2 hours ago by tomascamus
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After an excellent, but healthy, lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room. They found a strange looking woman sitting at the entrance who said: “Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature. It’s a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, awards you with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!”
The three women quickly entered. Upon finding the mirror, the brunette said: “I think I’m the most beautiful of us three” and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
The redhead stepped up and said: “I think I’m the most talented of us three” and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.
Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said: “I think…” and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
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