reddit：在一间猫咪乱舞的房子里，我趁太太睡觉的时候偷吃蘑菇的故事

引用元：https://m.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2a78al/tifu_secretly_eating_mushrooms_while_my_wife_was/

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TIFU: secretly eating mushrooms while my wife was asleep in a house full of cats

TIFU:在一间猫咪乱舞的房子里，我太太睡觉的时候偷吃蘑菇的故事

 

 

This happened a good long while ago now so not really today…

这是一件很久以前发生的事情了……

 

It was April when I started this journey. During the winter I became a member of a magic mushroom forum and was learning all I could about growing magic mushrooms. I tried it once before and grew only a yellowish green mush that smelled of sweaty socks but this time would be different. I had a spore print sent to me and was off to the races.

一切都是在4月份开始的。之前那个冬天，我加入了一个致幻蘑菇的论坛，学了很多种蘑菇的知识。以前我曾经试过，但是只种出来一种黄绿色闻起来像臭袜子的蘑菇。但是这次不一样了，我收到了一批孢子，然后开始了疯狂之旅。

 

I had tried mushrooms once before about 10 years prior and the experience was rather enjoyable. I have had way too many bad experiences with LSD to ever think about trying it and from what I remembered the mushroom experience was much less chaotic and harsh for me than the majority of my acid trips had been. After following every tip I could gather and about a month and a half of waiting, I have viable mushrooms drying in the food dehydrator.

10年前我嗑过一次蘑菇，感觉真不错。我以前也嗑过LSD（一种致幻剂），但是那种感觉糟透了，嗑致幻蘑菇的感觉比这个好很多，和其他的药相比劲道不是那么猛，幻觉也不是那么疯狂，不管如何，我照着我找到的种植指南花了一个半月，总算能在我的食品干燥箱里塞满一堆不同的蘑菇了。

 

The whole journey, from spore print to fruit, was done for reasons I don’t yet have a great grasp on. I was thinking at the time that growing them would impart some spiritual meaning into my experience. It had been a long, long time since I had taken any illegal substance and I wanted it to be special in some way. Growing them myself was an attempt at providing that, I guess. The night I took them I really wasn’t planning on doing so. I was borde out of my wits and chatting with on-line friends. I told them I was going to eat my mushrooms but didn’t know how much to eat without a scale. I took a few pics of my intended dose and posted them and immediately got advice to cut that dose in half. So, with my wife asleep, I went down to the kitchen and made a concoction of purple slushy and powered mushrooms and gulped it down. I came back up and told the chatters that the deal was done and that I was taking shower and would be back once the fun started.

从始至终，我其实并不太明白到底怎么回事。我以为我种蘑菇的这段过程会成为我人生阅历的一部分。我已经很久都没有嗑药了，所以我想要做点什么值得纪念的事情。如果自己种的话，可能我会一直记住的吧。有天晚上我把它们都采了下来，其实我没打算这么做的。不过我那时候在网聊，一时糊涂，告诉他们我要吃那些蘑菇，但是不知道药量多少。我拍了几张照片，问他们我应该嗑多少，他们很快告诉我把剂量减半。所以我就在我老婆睡觉的时候，去厨房弄了一点紫色蘑菇，吃了下去。我回到电脑前，告诉网友说我已经嗑过了药，现在要洗澡去，等到药劲上来了我再上线。

 

In the shower about 5 minutes when I felt a rush like I consciousness was being pulled away from my body. I was fighting to keep it with me. It felt as though is I had let it fly away I would have had a full out of body experience but for some reason I felt compelled hold on to it. I quickly turned off the water and looked down at my feet. They seemed miles away. That is when it hit me that the shrooms were kicking in!

洗了5分钟澡，我就开始觉得有点灵魂出窍的感觉了。我尽力保持意识。我本该让自己的精神飞出躯体，却不知为何一直控制自己不要这样。我很快的关了谁，看了看我的脚。我的脚仿佛在千里之外。这就是蘑菇的药劲了啊！

 

Out of the shower and I put on the same clothes I came in with and headed up stairs. The shower Is in the basement of the house and there is a door at the top of the stairs. Opening the door, the light from the kitchen blasted my eyes and I got a good gauge of how far along in the experience I was. I would see that the kitchen floor looked smooth and had a liquid like texture. But before I could survey any more my black cat ran down in the basement.

爬出了浴室，我穿上了原来的衣服，上了楼梯。浴室在房子的地下室里面，楼梯最上是一扇门。我打开了们，厨房的灯光闪瞎了我的狗眼，我这才知道我嗑的药有多劲道。我看见厨房的地板变了形，像水一样在下面流淌。不过在我没有在意的时候，我的黑猫跳进了地下室。

 

I didn’t want to forget about him down there and it never really thought that I could just leave the door open and shoo any members of our herd that wandered down there after my trip. I trudged down the stairs after him and scooped him up and started back up the stairs. Half way up, a brown blur flew down the stairs as another cat dove to the basement. I tossed the black one in the kitchen and went after the brown one. While s picking up brown one, the black cat came back down the steps again and I scooped him up too. Now I am carrying 2 cats up the stairs.

我不想把它留在哪里，而且我也真不能让门开着，不然在我嗑药的时候，我的那好几只猫就会下到地下室了。我摇摇晃晃的下了楼梯，把猫抓住，然后走了回去。就在这时一只棕色的猫飞跃而下。我把黑猫扔进厨房，又跑去抓那只棕色的。抓住了那只棕色的猫以后，黑猫又下来了，我把它再捉住。这样我就带着两只猫上楼了。

 

At the top of the stairs, the door is wide open and I see our other 3 cats had come to investigate the commotion. As I made the final push to the top they all jumped into action like they planned it in advance. I started laughing hysterically, let go of the cats in my arms and sat on the top step as I watched all the cats bounce down the stairs. I found the whole situation so funny. Here I am coming up hard on mushrooms. I can feel the confusion building every second and now I have to figure a way of getting all 5 cats out of the basement.

在楼梯最上，门大开着，我看见又来了三只来看戏的猫。我正努力登上楼梯顶端时，它们就像有预谋一样一起跳了过来。我禁不住大笑起来，放下了我夹着的那两只猫，坐在楼梯顶上，看着家里所有的猫蹦下楼梯。我觉得这场面逗逼极了。我的蘑菇药劲上来了，我觉得天旋地转，可是我还得把这五只猫捉出地下室。

 

By the time I had collected myself and devised a plan my face was hot and objects were starting to move. The time dilation had manifested and minutes were seeming to take longer and longer. My plan was to go down and capture one cat at a time and usher them up stairs. Once I got to five, the task would be complete. I raced down and grabbed the first cat I came across. And ran to the up to the landing and toss it, pretty forcefully, up the last 3 steps into the kitchen so it would get the point that I didn’t want them down there. Back down I went and did the same thing…that’s 2 down and 3 to go. I was getting more confused by the minute and on the fourth cat…..I had forgot how many cats I had previously ushered up the stairs. face palm

我脸颊发热，视线不稳，但是我还是努力保持理智，想出了一个法子。时间开始变慢，每分钟都变得越来越长。我的计划是这样的，我一次下去捉一只猫，然后把它们弄上楼。我只要重复五次，就行了。我冲了下去，抓住第一只跑来的猫，然后跑上去，在进厨房三步前蹂躏它一下，免得它再下去。接着我重复了相同的动作，这样就有两只在楼上了。我在对付第四只猫的时候开始糊涂，其实我根本记不住我往上放了多少只猫。

 

On my way back down I decided to count the cats down stairs and that would let me know how many were upstairs. Unfortunately, the whole time I had neglected one key detail in my foolproof plan….The door was still open. Just as I reach the basement floor, the whole heard can stampeding down again. Plan A was an utter failure.

再一次下去的时候，我打算数一下下面有多少只猫，所以我就知道上面有多少只猫了。真倒霉，我完全忘记了这个伟大计划的唯一破绽——门还是开着的。我刚刚走到地下室，就听见所有的猫全都跳进了地下室。计划A失败了。

 

Formulated just as quickly as Plan A, was Plan B. Cats have got names right? I will count the cats as I bring them up and remember the name of each cat so that I don’t lose track like the last time. BRILIANT!!! I thump back down the stairs and grab Funchee, the black one, and take him up stairs. He quickly tries to run back down and I push him back and close the door. Back down stairs I grab another cat. “Sammie…number 2”, I think as I put her up stairs and close the door behind me.

我很快制定了计划B。我给猫起过名字。我只要记住我放上去的猫的名字就好了。太棒了！我回到地下室，抓住了黑猫Funchee，把它放回楼上。它很快的转过身想跑下去，所以我把它推回厨房，关上了门。回到地下室里，我又抓住了另一只猫。“Sammie，第二只”，我把它弄上楼，然后关上门。

 

At this point my mind is worn out. Things are moving very well and walls have waves in them and on them. It is all but impossible to keep my mind on the task at hand. Those 2 things, coupled with the fact that the time dilation is making the last 5 minutes chasing these beasts feel like I have been at it for hours, is making this fool’s errand about as much as my brain could handle in its current state. I trudge on trying to complete this task and grab another cat but again at the top of the stairs I forgot where I was in the order. I put that cat up stairs and tried to count the cats up there to give me an idea of how many were left. But of course, they are not in the kitchen anymore. And again it escapes me that if I just keep bring up cats until I run out of cats to retrieve I will be through with this cluster fuck.

这时候我的脑子又开始糊涂了。眼前的东西晃来晃去，墙像波浪一样起伏。我压根没法专心做事。再说我已经觉得时间越变越慢，我之前五分钟做的那些捉猫壮举变得好像花了几个小时一样。以我的脑子现在的状态，这简直是不可能完成的任务。我拖着沉重的脚步，又抓了一只猫，但是一到楼梯嘴上，我就忘了我该干什么了。我把猫放上楼，想要数一数下面还剩下几只。毫无疑问，它们都不在厨房。我终于想清楚了，如果我就这样搬猫上楼的话，这辈子都别TMD想做完这件事。

 

Unable to think pass my current predicament, I race around up stairs looking for the cats that had been brought up and they are nowhere to be found. My state had grown worse and I start thinking that maybe they got outside. But there was no way they could get out because no one opened the……..DOOOOOOR!!!!!……. The DOOOOOOOR!!!!! I forgot the close the basement door. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!

脑子糊里糊涂，我完全陷入了困惑之中。只好爬上楼梯，看看楼上有没有猫，当然是一只也找不到。我越发窘急，竟然想到它们是不是跑出了房子……可是房门是关着的，它们怎么可能跑出去……门？！！！！门！！！！我又忘记关地下室的门了！艹艹艹艹艹艹艹艹艹艹！

 

Ran back into the kitchen and down the stairs for the 50 quadrillionth time and BAM….there they were all 5 of them… Safe and sound. I had found the missing cats. Hallelujah!! They weren’t outside…my wife would have killed me if they were gone. Me, all high and shit and the cats go missing? I might as well pack my shit and go! What a relief! I love my kitties! kiss * *kiss kiss…..wait! Are we still in the basement?!?!?! FUCKING COCK SUCKING SON OF A BITCH MOTHER DAMN SHIT HELL……

我又跑回了厨房，爬下楼梯，这大约是我今天第5万亿次下去了。好吧，这五只猫都在下面，毫发无损。我终于找到这些猫了，万岁！它们没有跑出去……如果真的丢了猫，我老婆会宰了我的。我高兴得发疯，猫要是丢了，我可得卷铺盖滚蛋！真是好险！我爱死这些猫了！亲亲……等等，这些猫还在地下室！艹……

 

I am done. My mental ability is gone. Each trip up and down felt like an eternity, I had only just enough energy left to get up stairs to the couch. I kneel by the couch and think about what I am going to do. I am mentally exhausted because apparently, counting to 5 is impossible while on mushrooms. My mind racing to come up with a solution to this impossible problem and never once did I think of just leaving them down there until they found something more entertaining to do than drive me out of my fucking mind. The white flag was up. It was over. I needed the big gun. It was 2 or 3am, and she had to get up and go to work in the morning but I had no choice…I needed an adult. I have to wake my wife. She would make it all better. She will tame those damn hellions and all will be fine……but it wasn’t fine.

我完了。我已经完全失去理智了。每次我把猫搬上去再下来，都觉得花费了无穷的时间。我现在只有爬上去瘫在沙发上的力气了。我跪在沙发上，想着我能干点什么……我的精神已经完全涣散了，毕竟吃了这些蘑菇，我连数到五都做不到。我拼命想着解决这个无解问题的办法，我总不能把它们留在地下室，等到它们玩腻了自己上来吧。我竖起了白旗，我完了，我得找我老婆来。这可是早上2点多，她早上起来还要去上班，可是我别无选择……我需要一个成年人的帮助。我得把我老婆叫起来，她会帮我搞定这件事情的，她会好好收拾这些该死的小畜生的，可是……

 

I went up stairs to our room and woke her in the gentlest way possible. By jumping on the bed and yelling “help!! I took mushrooms!!!5 cats in the basement and I can only count to 4.” Not the way I had envisioned it going down in my head but I was happy to get that much out without forgetting the reason I woke her up In the first place. Sleepily she marched down the stairs and I lead her to the kitchen where the basement door was still wide open. All I could do was stand at the door and point down the stairs. I think I may have whimpered a little too with my gesture. She was not amused! I thought I was finally going to get closure. She would get the cats from the basement and I would be saved but NOOOO…..my savior turn to tormentor as she said the only words in the word that could crush me into an even more pitiful state. “well…Go get ‘em” she said. She didn’t understand that I was fighting this fight for what seemed like days now and wanted nothing more than to curl up in the corner and cry until I fell asleep.

我爬上了楼，到了卧室，用我能想到最温柔的方法把她叫醒：跳到床上去，大喊“救命！我吃了致幻蘑菇！地下室里有五只猫，但是我只能数到四了现在！”我可没打算做这件事，但是我能爬上楼来，还没有忘记我上楼的目的，这已经够不错了。她昏昏沉沉的下了楼，跟着我去了厨房，地下室的门仍旧大开着。而我只能站在门口，向下指着。我想我做了一个痛苦的手势，但是她却一点不开心！我觉得这事总算结束了，她会把猫从地下室里抓上来，这样我就解脱了……可是不！我的救星反过来折磨我了！她只说了一句话，却把我送上了万劫不复的深渊。“好吧，那你把它们抓上来！”她压根不知道我为了对付这几只猫，费了多大力气——我现在只想躲起来蜷着身子哭到睡着而已！

 

She had no clue how close I was to a break down. Tears welled up as crossed the threshold of the basement door and descended again into my personal hell. I scooped up a kitty and carried it slowly up stairs setting it on the kitchen floor. One, my wife said in a long drawn out voice like she was talking to a 2 year old. Back down I went and grab up another “bundle of joy” and slinked up the stairs only to be shamed again by a long drawn out 2. By the third cat, short audible “poo, poo” sounds were coming from me as I was almost to the breaking point. My wife had begun to laugh at me and seemed to laugh harder each time I came up even more beaten than before. When the last cat came up I was greeted by a sighing “5” and a “now was that so hard” from my wife. I tried to apologize but she waved me off with a stern “we’ll talk about this in the morning” and walked up stairs to bed.

她压根不知道我已经到了崩溃的边缘。我留着眼泪穿过门走进了地下室，那里简直就是我的地狱。我抓起一只毛，慢慢的爬上楼，把它放在了厨房的地板上。一，我老婆拉长了声音数道，好像在对2岁婴儿说话一样。再走下去，我又抓起一只“小可爱”，狼狈的爬上来，却只听见老婆用羞辱人的口气数道“二”。等我抓来第三只猫以后，我发出短促的喘息声，几乎就差最后一根稻草了。我老婆开始冲着我大笑起来，而且我每抓上来一只猫，她就笑得更厉害。当我把最后一只猫抓上来以后，只听她叹了一口气，说道”五“，然后问我”这有那么难吗？“我想向她道歉，但是她对我挥了挥手，说道”我们明天早上再说“，然后上楼回到了床上。

 

The cat ordeal was over but the trip was far from it. I was immensely grateful to my online buddies who talked me into halfing the dose because the rest of the night was filled with confusion and mind fuckery and intense time dilation. Not really a bad trip as bad trips go, but not at all enjoyable. I think I can cross mushies off the list of viable boredom relievers. I won’t be doing them again anytime soon that is for sure.

抓猫事件就这样结束了，但是我的药劲还没有下去。我非常感谢那些线上的伙计们，幸亏他们告诉我只要一半的药量就好，就算这样我仍然度过了混乱的一夜。倒不是觉得感觉不好，只是确实也不够开心。我想我以后再也不会碰这些蘑菇了。

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