Anime Maru is a regularly-updating online publication that is dedicated to bringing you up-to-date news and commentary about the anime industry.
Selected ones (Edited)
08/01/16: Man Commits Suicide in Desperate Ploy to Achieve Harem
Close friends reported that he always dreamed of having his own harem held in the same high esteem as that of Nisekoi. Barbano’s death was revealed to be a directly influenced by the currently airing anime Re:Zero. Barbano’s suicide note explains, “Re:Zero was always just a ploy to get all the girls. But after years of failure, anything is worth a try.”
It appeared that Barbano did indeed have a girlfriend but continuously failed to expand the female count beyond one. “They would always break up with me before I could get to two. They alleged it was ‘cheating’”. Barbano lamented in his letter, each word heavy with a drawn out angst. Barbano ended his letter with hopeful thoughts: “I can’t help but hope that it’ll be me. Even though I’m far too old for it and avoid helping people as much as I can, the world might just choose me to be the one who gets to live again and again.”
The funeral was held earlier this week, where Barbano’s body was cremated with no signs of return.
07/08/16: Otaku Tricked Out of Basement by Pokemon Go
Chris Smith’s breath forms clouds in the cold Welsh air as he walks down a rocky path near his home. He pulls his jacket up closer to his shoulders, his face squinting in the warm and unfamiliar light from the morning sun. He is on the search for Pokemon.
Around the world, thousands of otaku leave the comfort and aroma of their basement lair and step outside for the first time in years. All in the hunt for Pokemon. The new phone game encourages players to move around and take an interest in the world around them by bridging the dull world of the disillusioned otaku with the world of Pokemon – an ideal world without difficulties, and with good waifu that you can capture and raise for your own.
In other news, announcements have come from both Bandai and Nintendo that other apps are now in the works: Digimon: Move Around and Partake in Life! and Yo-Kai: Get Out There. In the announcement of these two games, were quick to claim that neither held any relation, or was a response to, Pokemon Go.
另一方面，Bandai和Nintendo的消息表明新的应用游戏像“数码宝贝：行动！体验生活！”（Digimon: Move Around and Partake in Life!）、“妖怪手表：走出去”（Yo-Kai: Get Out There）正在测试当中。制作公司还迅速声明这两款游戏和Pokemon Go并无任何联系。
08/16/16: Hibike! Euphonium Season Two Canceled due to Band Breakup
by Slapdash Scott
kyoFans were understandably shocked and upset to hear that not only was the anime being cancelled, but the band was breaking up. On twitter the band’s director Noboru Taki stated that “Unfortunately the girls have been drifting apart for some time.” Taki went on to explain that the band had been planning to stay together at least through the production of the second season; however, tensions dramatically rose after Sapphire criticized Kumiko’s musical talent and Reina responded by trying to gouge out Sapphire’s eyes with a rusty guitar pick. Since then there has been little communication between the members of the band.
Unfortunately, there is little reason to believe the situation will change, as this story seems to be par for the course when it comes to Kyoto Ani’s music anime. K-ON!! infamously lost its planned college season after Mio finally got tired of Mugi’s desert thievery and broke her bass over her head and the simple inclusion of a concert scene in The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya erased its author from existence.
08/12/16: Waifu Smile Protection Insurance Rates Skyrocket
“Everything was going great around the start of last season, we had been building a steady consumer base. Then the recent episodes of Re:Zero started airing… Thousands of insurance claims on Ram… Millions on Rem… We sunk underwater fast. We had no choice but to raise our rates, unfortunately.”
AniShield isn’t the only company that’s been experiencing financial troubles. Between more violent shows like Re:Zero or the recent ending of the Nisekoi manga and other harem stories, smiles have been more difficult for organizations to insure. Facing a massive amount of claims, many companies went into complete bankruptcy and went under. The remaining companies have had to raise their rates by exponential rate.
08/09/2016: NIH Approves Funding for Creation of Monster Girls
By Fluffy Harpy
“Since the dawn of human civilization man has depicted human-animal hybrids in our myths, religions, and even pop culture. Even just 30 years ago men dreamed of women with cat ears whose cries of ‘Nyah warmed our hearts and made us ask ourselves “Could such a perfect thing ever exist in reality?,” NIH Director told dumbfounded reporters.
“Indeed today marks the beginning of a new monster girl filled era for us all!” He passionately announced while holding a pillow bearing the likeness of the lamia Miia close to his chest.
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特别感谢kevo @ Anime Maru的翻译与转载许可。
Ok, for liability reasons, I have to come clean. Anime Maru is a satirical publication. Nothing on this site should be interpreted as factual nor as a claim to fact. Content is not reflective of opinions held by the staff of Anime Maru. Content is not intended for readers under the age of 18. In conclusion, Anime Maru is fake anime news. If any of this is a surprise to you, I recommend speaking to your mother. She has something to tell you about the tooth fairy.
好吧，我老实交代，Anime Maru是个讽刺新闻网站。站上所有的新闻都不该被看作事实，也不该被视作工作人员的观点，网站的使用者最好已经成年。你没看错，Anime Maru编造动画新闻。读到这儿，如果觉得震惊不已，我建议你去找妈妈聊聊，她挺乐意给你讲讲小牙仙的故事。
Anime Maru Staff (I)
彩蛋：Anime Maru成员 (一)
Editor-in-Chief, CEO, and Fearless Leader of Anime Maru. He was trained by the North Korean People’s Institute of Journalism and Media. Like any true anime fan, kevo follows voice actresses on Twitter and pretends to understand their Japanese tweets. Twitter: @kevo31415
The first thing Actene did upon being given a computer of his own was start watching the dirty Japanese cartoons he had heard so much about, far from the prying eyes of his family so as not to be written out of the will. After joining the military in the hopes of becoming an anime protagonist, he was horrified to learn that the army was just like the internet in that everyone’s taste in anime was shit. The only thing he likes more than watching anime is complaining about anime.
希望LA可以看到“君の名は。(Your name.)”~ 呜啪呜啪