What is the funniest, real-life story you can tell?
這篇是”What is the funniest, real-life story you can tell?＂裡的另一則回應。
After having sex with the 4th girl of my young life at the time, I decided to get an STD check. Not for any physical reasons, mostly for the emotional reassurance. Anyways, I called my neighbor across the street who is 3 years older than me (basically my big brother) and I told him that I made an appointment to get checked and I asked him what it entailed. He said it wasn’t too bad; they did a sperm sample, swabbed his dick, checked his blood etc etc. So I felt pretty prepared going in there a few days later. On my way to the clinic I was feeling pretty nervous to ejaculate in a cup but I reassured myself that it was going to be fine.
When I finally got there, an older lady called my name and handed me a clear cup and escorted me to the restroom and said, “Please go in here.” I was picturing more of a comfortable room where I could do my private thing of choking my chicken but I thought fuck it, the bathroom will suffice.
I remember looking around for some pornographic material because my neighbor said that they provide you with some but there was nothing. I remember thinking what the fuck, this place just expects us to use our imagination? Disappointed, I said oh well, not like I haven’t used just my imagination before. So I began…yes… masturbating over the sink…anyways I remember amazingly rubbing one out pretty fucking fast…almost too fast….so I thought that I’d wait in there an additional 10 minutes because I didn’t want her to think that I was some type of freak. After waiting in there for what felt like an eternity I finally handed my semen filled cup back to the old lady nurse who acted impatient and upset that I took so long. I began following her down the hallway.
我記得我在廁所四周找能用的本子，因為我鄰居跟我講他們會提供一些材料，但是這裡什麼都沒有。我記得我當時在想：「What the fuck，他們是期望我用想像力嗎？我很失望，不過好吧，我又不是沒試過只用我的想像力。所以我開始……對……在水槽上擼管，總之，我記得我以令人驚奇地快的速度擼出我的分身，有點太快。那我就想，在廁所裡待多個額外10分鐘，因為我不想被老阿姨認為我是閃電俠。在等了像永恆那麼久的時間，我終於拿起充滿我分身的杯子給那位老阿姨護士，她好像對我花了這麼久時間很不耐煩，然後我在走廊跟著她走。
The woman set the cup on this desk table thingy, looked at it, and then picked it up again and she jiggled the cup a little bit…. She stopped…I held my breath as I looked at her face as I saw it turn from confusion to sheer horror. She turns to me and goes, “Ummmm sir, WE ONLY NEEDED YOUR URINE!” I will never forget the feeling that I had at that very moment.
My face got red, I felt immediately hot, my legs felt weak. I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. There have been so many embarrassing moments in my life but luckily I can think pretty quickly on my feet and I can dig my way out of most uncomfortable situations. As for this moment…there was no fucking shovel in sight for me to dig myself out of. Nothing to say nothing to do, i just stood there terrified. I just jizzed in a fucking urine sample cup and now this poor elderly woman who was probably months away from retirement was now horrified and confused as she was gripping a hot cup of my potential babies. I’m guessing the clinic never trained her for situations like this. Even if she had made a joke to lighten the mood it would’ve been better- it would have killed the tension in the room. Instead she remained stoic- I felt awkward and scared; I felt like a monster.
After going back to pee and a few tests later I got the F out of there. After much reflection though, I now think that she deserved it. Because honestly, yes I did ASSUME that she wanted a sperm sample but the woman never specified what she wanred. Therefore she assumed I knew too and when both people are assuming chances are that one of them is going to get a cup full of the other one’s jizz. It’s just the way it is.
God I still cringe just thinking about that day. Sometimes when I’m looking at myself in the mirror, I randomly think of that old woman’s face as she realized that she’s holding a cup filled with my hot semen soldiers and I just bust out laughing and shake my head. Good times.